SOPHOMORE YEAR in a nutshell

High school is halfway through. It seemed so fast...

Even in a blazing year, there's still a time (right now) where I reflect on what's happened, and what this year meant to me.

Sophomore year was, without a doubt, one of the best and ugliest years ever. A lot of good things happened and...a lot of bad things happened. Either way, there's a lot to remember.

Let's rewind...all the way back to the beginning of the year. I was actually doing well in all six classes. I thought, "Hey, I could really do well by the end of the year and it's not much of a problem at all right now!" After all, I had a 3.8 GPA (stupid Tale of Two Cities project), a good social life, and yeah. Pretty nice.

All of that changed pretty quickly near the end of the first semester.

First came braces and oral surgery. As soon as all the operations were completed, I started to lose one of the things I valued most: my trumpet playing. All of that went down. I chose the battle, but I fought it the wrong way: I spent money on mouthguards and such. Those didn't help--they made things worse. Now I'm still trying to get my full range back. After surgery, I decided that now would really be the ideal time to just focus on schoolwork, since my trumpet playing wasn't going to get further. Today, I'm still thinking--was that the right decision?

At one point, I had 4-6 projects at once. I never had to multitask so much in my life. As I spent countless hours getting my projects done, I was stressing out even more. Finals were coming. I felt underprepared. I still remember the night before the history + AP bio final...endless studying. I somehow got B's on both. My life, however, was going in a bad direction. I was staying up extremely late, talking to people less and less, and snapping to people. From that point until the end of the year, I struggled to get control over myself again.

Second semester came. Things weren't going much better. Even though finals were over, the workload increased. For bio, I had to make sure people did their objectives...to the point where I was chasing them at 1AM and going insane. Then the heavy projects and labs came in. I kept asking myself: "How do I get out of this? I need people to look to." My friends were there to support me, and they're all awesome, but I felt I needed that one extra push, someone I can look to for all situations, for everything.

Then I made the decision I will never regret. I started going to church again. Having God back into my life opened my eyes to so many things. It was the beginning, though, and I still had so many problems to tackle. But with God, I knew I could pull through.

Oddly enough, at that moment, issues increased trifold. Spring was here, which meant APs were going crazy. Throughout the months until after APs, I made some nasty decisions. I put work above everything else in my life. When I did my work, I didn't care about anything except for getting things done. Even people themselves didn't matter much to me anymore.

That decision ruined my life indefinitely. After the AP exam, I finally realized what I had done. I realized that what I did wasn't encouraging, and that schoolwork can't be everything. People's emotions do matter, despite my previous experiences. I never want to do such a thing again. In other words, I control my schoolwork, not the other way around.

At the same time, though, and even before, I noticed some not-so-pretty things about my own sophomore class of 2011, especially those in my English and history classes. Most of my classmates are cool people; they're fun, smart, and happy. However, I noticed that an increasing amount of them started asking me questions for assignments and such. Of course, I enjoy helping people; I even learn in the process. This time, however, I learned that most of my classmates were treating me more like a reference tool than an actual person. Outside from how to cite a book, not a lot of sophomores talk to me. Some have even put me down or completely ignored me. I could be visualizing this in a totally wrong way, but it's just how I feel...

Right before the year closed off, I learned one very brutal but important fact: often at times, our opinions aren't going to matter. There are several instances where people don't care what we think, and we may never change their minds. But it's life. It sucks, but we have to tackle it.

Heh...it's really late at night, so I doubt that this post is even coherent...my experiences this year are mostly those see-it-for-yourself things, but I tried my best. Anyway, out of the endless nights of studying, the bright moments, the worst moments, I'm so glad that my friends have been there for me, and will always be there for as long as possible. Thanks to those who have helped me throughout the year.

Who cares?

I've probably learned more about myself and the people around me this week than in the last year.

Over the course of this week, I have been criticized, put down, overlooked, beaten, and under-appreciated. The MAAN head-to-head, the public relations election, the marching band scenario...nothing really worked. Losing itself isn't the worst part.

The worst part was when I put in so much effort for things I did and wanted, thinking it would pay off.

Everything I did didn't matter. How I felt didn't matter. Will it ever matter? Not anytime soon.

My day went from good to bad just like that...

I thought today was going well. Project C was done, I didn't stutter, I got through my head-to-head for Much Ado About Nothing, what could go wrong?

The last part. I thought I got through Much Ado About Nothing.

I was dead wrong.

Apparently, Mrs. Black thought I rushed through the whole thing, that I didn't put enough emotion into my part, and all the criticism that's given to bad actors. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I put so much time and effort into making my part perfect, only to hear THIS? And I did well on my monologue so long ago, but performed badly here? It makes no sense!

Oh, and I didn't become the Public Relations officer for Key Club. I put a lot of time into my application, too, only to lose. I really didn't expect HIM to win, either. Not like my application matters that much anyway...it's all about the popularity contest among the members.

Point aside, the English scenario brought me down completely. All self-esteem I once had is now gone. If things go from bad to worse, I might get a B in that class--forcing myself to take the final.

I seriously thought I did well. I really did. But what I think makes no difference now, does it?

How SHOULD I feel?

I haven't experienced one of these in a while, but it's happened, so I might as well write about it.

(This is for two specific people. I'm sure they'll read this sometime, and no, I'm not attacking you two.)

I know you two love to joke around and have fun. I do, too. But what you did just doesn't feel comfortable with me. Let's take it apart, piece-by-piece:

Whenever I see you two in the hallways, cafeteria, or wherever, you see me, you know I'm there, but you don't "respond." Instead, you look at me, giggle, and walk away. Now I can barely even talk to you two without you two "pretending" that I'm not there. This is part of why it's so hard to tell both of you how I feel about this.

I know it's a joke, but based on my own experiences and thoughts, it's not really what I call. Normally, I don't mind being called "cricket" and stuff like that, but when you two purposely walk away, I don't feel all that great. I don't blame you for not really knowing the similar experience I had two years ago, but it was one of the worst feelings I had for a while back then. Now it's not nearly as bad at all, but what you're doing isn't making me feel better, either.

I know you two intend no harm at all and would never do such a thing, and don't freak out, you two are still considered some of my best friends. I might be taking this too seriously, but all I ask is that you take into account what I'm saying here. Yes, sooner than later, I will find the chance to say this to you in person. I'm not afraid to do so.

Thanks so much.